I’m gonna level with you right now. I read a lot of food blogs. I also read a lot of lifestyle blogs, which tend to intersect with food blogs because who can live without food? No one. Not even people who are photoshopped to look like they can. So I know a lot about how much better and delicious and home-made everyone else’s life is as compared to my own. While we are on the subject, I also read a lot of Mormon mommy blogs. And if you want to criticize, first take a look at all the delicious shit they make for their many children.
A lot of these food and lifestyle and mommy bloggers really like to give pep talks about salads. “Here’s a recipe for a salad” is basically someone saying “I’ll bet you didn’t know that there’s more than one kind of lettuce because you’re an asshole,” which is insulting. I mean, do you really think that I think that salads are as complicated as the feminist rhetoric regarding stay at home moms who are also multi-million dollar Food Network stars vs. those who are not, and Mormonism in general? Because salads are mostly just vegetables on a plate.
But then I was, like, hello–instead of seeing salad recipes as recipes, see them as useful ideas for how to make healthy food less stupid. So I made this salad and it is the bomb and now I’m going to blog about it and if it insults you that I posted something so easy I don’t even care right now because my colon is so healthy after eating so many vegetables. Boom.
Insultingly Easy Salad
Salad I like a mixture of romaine and arugula, but you do you. And if you want to add things like avocado, tomatoes, sliced almonds, or a hard boiled egg, or all of these things, do it.
Approx. 2 cups raw kale or spinach or both, washed and dried
4-6 button mushrooms, sliced*
1 small clove garlic, sliced
Juice of 1/4 lemon (about 2 tsp)
Cheese, shredded or crumbled if you want to be a rebel and use a soft or semisoft one
Red pepper flakes (optional)
*If you hate mushrooms, you can use zucchini instead. If you hate zucchini then you probably shouldn’t make this and I feel bad for you.
1. Wash and dry salad ingredients and arrange on plate. Drizzle with olive oil and vinegar and set aside.
2. In a small pan, heat about 1TB olive oil. When it’s hot, add the garlic and cook until the garlic sizzles, about 2 minutes.
3. Add the mushrooms and a sprinkle of salt. Cook the mushrooms until they are brown, approx. 3-4 minutes.
4. Add the kale/spinach, lemon juice, and a dash of red pepper flakes if you’re feeling spicy. Cook until greens have wilted.
5. Place the cooked kale/spinach/mushroom concoction on top of the salad, and throw on the cheese. This is the bomb salad and you should make it right now.