Nothing says “Nazis stormed the United States Capitol ” better than soup that looks like throw up, tastes both bland and acrid, and completely ruins your night. Yes, children! AMERICA NUMBER ONE! We can’t say for sure, but think that the real secret to this soup is that no American news outlets are willing to call the Nazis Nazis because…we’re guessing it’s some kind of copyright infringement? Gosh. Don’t know about y’all, but we’re getting real sick and tired of Quentin Tarantino art directing every fucking day of our lives. And it’s only ten days into the new year! Wow! America is doing a really good job at being filled with Nazis!
You know what else makes this soup special? Jack Dorsey. We are so glad, Jackie, that you finally stopped pretending your whole life is Burning Man sorry, we mean adapted your business model (???!!!!) in order to ban the president from your platform 20 minutes before he leaves office and after inciting the Nazis for four-point-five years. YAY! Let’s make some soup!
To make Nazi Soup:
Simply put all the vegetables you bought 10-14 days ago which are also, incidentally, basically all the food you have left in the house because you are still in quarantine because it’s not just that Nazis stormed the United States Capitol, there’s also still a motherfucking raging pandemic! That we could have coherently managed if we had a functional government! And if all Nazis and also their fascist and racist and sexist and ableist counterparts would just agree to wear a fucking mask!
Throw these old pieces of mineral matter into a large pot, including kale because you know who enjoys a blended kale? Nazis!
Saute these vegetal equivalents of limp Nazi dicks with water and some MSG-based broth concentrate because who has real broth when Nazis stormed the U.S. Capitol? Probably Ina Garten but YOU LEAVE INA RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF THIS.
Boil for as much time as you want to spend attempting to convince yourself that you’re not making a big ol’ pot of hot compost, then blend with aged sour cream that refuses to un-clump and taste for confirmation that you cooked a pot of garbage.
Eat a loaf of bread for dinner because there was a woman in the mob with a don’t step on me flag who was crushed to death by her fellow Nazis as they all stormed the U.S. Capitol. Mr. Tarantino, you’re doing too much. Also fuck anyone who still does not think that Black Lives Matter and that that blue flag is a confederate flag.
Nazi Soup sucks. Throw it the fuck away.