Please Help Me Beans

The best part of unemployment in a post-quarantine world is that nobody knows what the hell is going on, but everybody is on LinkedIn. Nobody actually knows what LinkedIn is, how to SpeLl it, or why the fuck there are so many different icons on the interface, but it’s a really useful tool! So far we’ve heard from one family member, a former high school librarian, and someone named Ray. The universe is abundant with wealth and opportunity!

Still, though, sometimes it gets kind of exhausting to have so much time to hit “refresh” on our inbox while also failing to become famous on the tic tak. Sometimes we just need a minute to hit “refresh” on ourselves, ya dig? That’s where these beans come in. Right when you’re about to throw your goddamn computer at the wall because you deleted iMovie in a rage six months ago and forgot until this exact moment when you need to edit the stupid fucking video you just fucking shot to try to be cute on the interweb and can’t because you’re a moron–these beans are all you need to take a deep breath and remember that you’re too old and irrelevant for the tac top anyway. They’re herby, oily, protein-y, and absolutely fucking full of farts. We can’t get enough of them! Please send help!

Beans are vegan for cow

Please Help Me Beans with pesto and fried shallots

Fry a thinly sliced shallot in olive oil until it’s crispy, then remove.

In reserved oil, add beans. Heat. Give them a minute, let them chill. Jesus christ, just can you please fucking chill for a minute.

Once beans are heated through, add some pesto. Whatever you’ve got. Add more olive oil if it’s not very much pesto. You can do this. It’s just work. Who cares about self value or retiring before 80 when your colon is so full of bean!?

Remove beans from heat, put into a bowl. Squeeze on some lemon juice. Or not. Top pesto beans with crispy fried shallots and some crunchy salt. Or not. Red pepper flakes are good, too. Whatever. Do whatever you want. No one is gonna hire you from LinkedIn.