Eminently Capable Potatoes

On those nights when the “most diverse democratic presidential race” America has ever seen has been whittled down to two geriatric white men, these potatoes are a perfect side dish for whatever stupid fucking thing you’re making for dinner tonight because you belong in the kitchen.

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To make:

  1. Pre-heat oven to 400 degrees.
  2. Clean the weird knobs off these old potatoes.
  3. Cut the potatoes. Find an old onion, cut that up. Fuck this fucking country.
  4. Cover with olive oil and salt and rosemary and thyme. Simon and Garfunkle would not have been famous if they were not white men.
  5. The oven still isn’t hot. Why should anything work today? Put away some dry dishes.
  6. FUCK THIS FUCKING PIECE OF PLASTIC THAT SHOULD GO ONTO THE FUCKING SPOUT OF THIS GODDAMN FUCKING REUSABLE FUCKING COFFEE MUG WHY DO I EVEN USE THIS FUCKING THING I SHOULD DRINK ALL MY SHIT OUT OF PLASTIC BAGS WITH FORTY-SEVEN PLASTIC STRAWS AND WHEN I’M DONE PUT ALL OF THE PLASTIC BAGS I USE TO DRINK MY STUPID SHIT INSIDE ANOTHER GIANT PLASTIC BAG AND TAKE IT TO THE BEACH AND THROW IT IN THE WATER BECAUSE WHY NOT THIS IS AMERICA WE HATE WOMEN AND THE POLAR BEARS.
  7. They’re done when you smell burning.
  8. Eat with cheese and wine because FUCK PROTEIN, TOO.