Well well well, if it isn’t another year on the boob tube, which is what we call the internet because it was built solely for the distribution of pornography AND we have heard that it has ruined television. We are so happy to be here!
A few quick updates before we jump into today’s recipe; the first and most important being that the cat learned how to turn on the sound system in our apartment, which means one thing and one thing only: adult contemporary at 4am, baby! We’re super duper proud of her. The second, less important update is that Cooking Rage has spawned a new human who is very small and very interested in ruining our lives, which brings us to the topic of slow cookers and remembering that we own one.
Turns out that, once we washed off at least 5 years’ worth of grime from sitting untouched on top of our cabinet after not cooking beans that one time we tried to use this dumb piece of shit, there is a whole new world of cooking! Slow cookers provide a veritable flavor village, if you will, of foods that can be described as both “wet” and “fine.” It’s a true lifesaver for those times when you are so sleep deprived and upset that the best thing you can do is say to your spouse who is most certainly NOT upholding their end of the dinner making load “JUST THROW SHIT IN THERE AND TURN IT ON.” Not only do you end up with cooked foods, you end up with so much of them! An all around win!
Of course, you have to actually learn how to turn on the slow cooker in order to use it, which is a process in and of itself. One hot tip we learned is that googling “how the fuck set time on slow cooker model 2009?????” yields grainy photos from approximately 1100 now-defunct blogs, all of which feature carrots. But after some finagling and one gigantic fight, our slow cooker actually taught us a beautiful lesson in slowing down, taking a deep breath, and waiting a goddamn minute while the machine works whatever deepstate magic it uses to literally just turn on. We are forever changed.
So use your slow cookers, friends, to make your gigantic piles of mush! Just don’t put cannellini beans in there unless you want to kill someone or die.
cooking rage 