Mediocre at Judaism Challah

It’s Rosh Hashanah! Yesterday! And today, like, until tonight? I think? Rosh Hashonnah is NOT the festival of lights, nor is it Sukkot. Sukkot’s the one with the…is it a stable? Wrong religion. Anyway. Rosh Hashona is the Jewish New Year! And it’s actually the year 5777 in the Jewish calendar, not 2016, because the Jewish calendar is lunar, which means that this year the high holy days aren’t late but like, I swear I thought they were always in September? Never mind.

My favorite thing about Rosh Hashonnnah is that you’re supposed to eat all day. It’s possible I am wrong and actually you just eat after sundown. That sounds more-correct. So anyway I make this amazing challah recipe every year that yields two loaves instead of one, just like the biblical something about the 2 sons of…is it Abraham? Solomon…No he has the Songs of Solomon not Sons. WHO HAD TWO SONS?


L’Shana Tova! (Did I spell that right?)


Ingredients for Mediocre at Judasim Challah
2 TB yeast
1 1/2 cup warm water
2 TB sugar
2 tsp salt
2 1/2 TB corn/canola oil
3 eggs
Approx 5 cups flour
Poppy or sesame seeds (or both)

1. Mix together yeast with 1/2 cup warm water and sugar in small bowl. Set aside about 5 min so it can bloom. What is the word that starts with a K (or a C?) that I can look for instead of a “Jewish Music”channel on Pandora?
2. Once yeast mixture has bloomed, whisk together 1 c warm water, salt, corn oil, 2 eggs, yeast mixture and 2/12 c flour. There is already flour literally everywhere. Why?
3. Using a wooden spoon, mix together. Add flour–up to another 2 1/4 cups, working the dough with the spoon. This will take about 5 min. Arm workout, bubbe style.
4. Klezmer. Goddammit. KLEZMER.
5. When the dough won’t take any more flour (ie has lost all its stickiness), dump onto floured surface and knead for about 5 minutes, or until you have a smooth ball of dough. Add more flour as you knead if it’s too sticky. Also you could have just bought some challah.
6. Put dough in a lightly greased bowl (turn once) and cover with saran wrap and a clean towel. Let rise approximately 1 hour, till it’s doubled in size.
7. Things to do for an hour: get lost in the wormhole that is Orthodox Jewish fashion and/or design your ideal bat mitzvah dress. After an hour, dump out dough and punch down, knead a bit then cut the dough in half.
8. Cut each half into three pieces. Roll each piece into a strand about an inch thick, then connect the three pieces by pinching and folding them together on one end. Braid the loaves, and finish by pinching the three strands together and tucking under the body of the loaf. DO NOT use a hair tie.
9. Once shaped, place both loaves on greased pan and cover with towel. It’s ok if they touch. Let rise about 45 min. Back to your wormhole.
10. Pre-heat oven to 375.
11. Just before putting into oven, brush with egg beaten with some water and sprinkle on seeds.
12. Bake 30-35 minutes.
13. Eat both loaves in one sitting.

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