Oh wow, you guys! It’s JANUARY! Do you know that story about the man who tried to kill spiders and instead he burned his house down? No? Google it. What we love about this story is that it’s an apt metaphor for America and it proves our point that everyone should own a blowtorch.
Anyway here’s something spicy and orange, a surefire cure-all for your electoral and other myriad 21st-century anxieties! You’re welcome!
Carrot Ginger Soup
Cut up 5-6 carrots, 3-4 stalks celery, a yellow onion, a leek if you have it, 2-3 cloves garlic and a buttload of ginger.
Saute that shit in coconut oil and some margarine if you give a fuck or butter if you don’t. I’m kidding. I’m not a vegan I just smell like one! Ha ha ha! Do you get it?! I don’t think I do?! I think this means patchouli oil!? IS EVERYONE IN THE GLOSSIER A VEGAN!??!?!?!?!?!?
Sprinkle in some sage, turmeric, oregano, salt, pepper and I don’t taste as I cook like Samin tells me to, probably because I’m a stupid asshole who doesn’t love myself the way Ina loves Jeffrey and Jeffrey loves Ina. Maybe I should call Dave. Dave was ok, except for that foot thing.
BUT WHAT THE FUCK WILL HAPPEN IN GEORGIA?!
Add a can o’ coconut milk and some veggie broth, enough to cover the veggies. Boil until soft like your brain! Will grandpappy Joe save us all?! If I tweet: why is the patriarchy still a thing?! will I go viral? Then I can haz career like that cat?! I SHOULD GET ANOTHER CAT!
Blend your soup! Eat your soup! Practice saying “WHAT A NIGHTMARE!” like you’re talking to a dog or a baby!! DRINK WATER!!!! DEFUNDING THE POLICE MEANS INVESTING IN COMMUNITIES!!!!!! YOUR BLUE FLAG IS STUPID!!