You Don’t Get to Decide Whether or Not You’re a Mainsplainer Berry Cherry Pie

Some things are just true:

Climate change.
The inevitability of face sweat during an important meeting.
A man explaining something to you that you either already know, or do not need to know.

While all of these problems do indeed have solutions, it seems like the last one is somehow the trickiest of the bunch. This is in part because gender is an illusion and we are all making it up, but it is also because men who are the most insufferable of mansplainers are almost always the ones who begin or end sentences with phrases like “not to mansplain, but….” Or my personal favorite, “I’m not a mansplainer.” How can you solve a problem that the other person, through a lengthy explanation, has decided is not a problem? You bake a pie!

The key to this pie is to put a lot of semi-usable ingredients together in an unsteady and overheated process and bake until it’s possible to imagine that it is a cohesive whole, which is also how Mark has legitimated his excuse to not get vaccinated, as he is a Reiki healer and also a mountain biker, and has done his own research. Pies, like men, take a lot of instinct, and the more you make them, the better you’ll get at figuring out how to say “actually, Carl, if you have to explain that you are not a mansplainer, you might need to reconsider whether or not you understand the meaning of that word” without like any tone or anything, because it’s not what you say but how you say it that makes him call you a cunt.

How to make You Don’t Get to Decide Whether or Not You’re a Mainsplainer Berry Cherry Pie

Wow, you must be a big dumb cunt if you think I’m gonna mansplain this recipe to you. Sheesh!