You’re Not Fancy Tomato Bisque

I went to this fancy party and there were little shooters of fancy soup and after tasting one I said out loud “that is some fancy and delicious soup.”  Then I realized that I was taking a shot of tomato bisque and I got mad, at first because there was like half an inch of soup in the shooter which is basically 1/37th of a tomato, and then because I realized that I was being impressed by a non-fancy party food at a very fancy party.  I mean–you know what’s fancy?  Parties where you have to wear high heels.  You know what’s not fancy?  Tomato bisque.  You know why people think tomato bisque is fancy and so serve it at fancy parties?  Cuz the word “bisque” sounds fancier than “t0mato soup I blended real hard,” and because smooth soups in shooter glasses confuse a lot of people into thinking that they’re drinking something made by elves.  So I was like, fine, I’ll make my own tomato bisque because a) it’s really just tomato soup fucked up in a blender, and b) I don’t get to go to a lot of fancy parties which is just as well because I look like a female impersonator when I wear heels.

serve in non-elf proportions

You’re Not Fancy Tomato Bisque

1 whole onion (white or yellow), chopped

1 28 oz can tomatoes

1/2 c. white wine

2 c. veg or chicken broth

3 TB. sundried tomatoes (optional)

Olive oil



Dill (dried)

1. Saute onion in about 2 TB. olive oil in a large pot or dutch oven, about 4 min.

2.  When onions are soft, add tomatoes, sundried tomatoes if you’re using them, wine, and broth.  If the tomatoes are whole, crush them with the heel of your uncomfortable shoe and/or a potato masher.  Or squeeze them with your hands.  I don’t care just make them smaller.

3.  Cover and bring to a brief boil, then turn down the heat and let simmer about 15 minutes, still covered.

4.  Once the soup has simmered, blend using an immersion blender, or in small batches in a regular blender (go very slowly or you will explode your soup and also burn the shit out of your hands/face/cat).  Once blended return to pot.

5.  Adjust seasonings.  Add about 2 tsp. of both salt and pepper, 1 TB. dill.  I really like dill, so I usually use more.  Adjust to your liking.  If the soup is too thick, add more broth and a splash of wine and allow to simmer, covered, for a bit longer.  If it’s too thin, simmer uncovered for a few minutes so it can cook down.  If you don’t like the soup, give it to someone who will appreciate you for trying.

6.  You can serve with a dollop of sour cream or plain Greek yogurt, or with a swirl of olive oil on the top–if you want to make this not-fancy soup look hella fancy.  Also, apparently when you put more dried herbs on top of the soup and some cracked fresh pepper, that also makes it look fancy.  You’re welcome.

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