Ah, the world at our fingertips! Everybody shouting at each other as the ice caps melt and we all Beyonce our way into a heightened state of instability and collapse. I’m proud to be a human in this digital age. So much is possible with technology! We are winning all the time!
So why, when I connect my USB cable to the printer, does nothing happen?
I can watch a live cam of the baby panda at that zoo in rural China but I can’t print out a confirmation of my fucking Amazon order? Steve Jobs told only lies.
I’ve read that it is smart to disconnect from the online world occasionally, and now that I’ve broken my computer with my gun I figure this is as good a time as any to indulge in my favorite relaxation app: baking. No printing required. Unless you need to print out this page for the recipe, in which case how nice for you that you know how to do that.
Technological Achievements of Humanity Banana Bread
*This recipe requires an 8 1/2 x 4 1/2 bread pan. Don’t have one? Buy it in a store where they hand you a receipt and you have an interaction with another human being. What are we even doing any more?
2 c flour
3/4 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1 tsp cinnamon
3 ripe bananas
1 c sugar
1/4 c melted butter or vegetable oil
1/2 tsp vanilla
1 container plain Greek yogurt (approx 5.3 oz)
1 cup chocolate chips (optional but I mean come on, really? Think about the day you are having.)
1. Storm into kitchen. Turn oven on to 350. Make sure you have turned oven on correctly because can you actually do anything right, ever? Gather remaining ingredients.
2. Mix dry ingredients together. Set aside.
3. Mash bananas with a fork in a separate bowl. Consider the ancientness of forks and bowls and the usefulness of your stupid hands.
4. Add the rest of the wet ingredients to the mashed banana. Stir until eggs are incorporated and you are tired of baking.
5. Add dry ingredients to wet ingredients. Stir them together. Say aloud “I have done one thing right today.” Add chocolate chips, if you are using them.
6. Grease your loaf pan using oil, oil spray, or butter. Pour batter into loaf pan. Sprinkle the top of the bread with more sugar if you are into that sort of thing.
7. Bake at 350 for 55 minutes. At 55 minutes check your bread thinking it is done. It is likely not done. Scream “WHY GOD? WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?”
8. Continue baking bread.
9. Bread is done when a toothpick inserted into the thickest part of the bread comes out clean.
10. Let cool on cooling rack.
11. Call roommate to apologize for breaking their printer again.