I’m a big fan of waking up in the morning and going about my day with the constant sense that I am being watched. I love leaving my apartment and being totally aware from the looks, comments, and occasional man walking very close behind me and whispering? Is he actually whispering at me? that my body is so visible it makes me basically invisible as a human being with a heart, soul, and feelings. Ugh why am I so fat?
Anyway, you know what are delicious? Muffins! These delicious breakfast treats keep me safe in the kitchen where I belong and age terribly, which means that they can also serve as great missiles if someone is walking a little too close to you after dark, so make a double batch.
Ingredients for Street Harassment Muffins
Makes 12 muffins
1 1/2 c flour
3/4 c white sugar
1/2 tsp salt
2 tsp baking powder
1 tsp cinnamon
1/3 c vegetable oil
1 tsp vanilla
1/3 c milk of any kind
1 c blueberries (Fresh or frozen–if frozen muffins may need to bake for slightly longer)
1/4 c brown sugar
1/4 c white sugar
1/3 c white flour
1/4 c butter, cubed
1 1/2 tsp cinnamon
- Pre-heat your oven to 400.
- Mix together flour, sugar, salt, baking powder and cinnamon in a large bowl. Set aside. Order pepper spray online.
- In a separate bowl add egg, vegetable oil, vanilla and milk. Mix together.
- Add blueberries to dry mixture and give a gentle stir. Remember how in grade school Rafael C. called you fat and your mom told you that he probably just liked you?
- When your boyfriend comes into the kitchen and asks you what you’re making tell him he is as responsible for dismantling rape culture, if not, in fact, more responsible, than you are.
- Add wet mixture to dry.
- Oil your cupcake tin and evenly distribute the batter.
- Sometimes you rage-scoop too much batter too soon so you will end up with 10 muffins instead of 12. Fuck the patriarchy.
- Mix all topping ingredients together and distribute evenly over the muffin tops.
- You know what? Fuck pants, too. And literally every magazine. Also the internet.
- Bake muffins for 18-25 minutes. Hey isn’t there some statistic about 1 in 5 women who are 18-25? Did I really just make ANOTHER batch of muffins?
- Muffins are done when you can’t find any toothpicks so your butter knife comes out clean.
- Let cool a bit before taking the muffins out of the tin. Unless you wish to use as hot missiles immediately, in which case, just remember your oven mitt.