Unemployment Popcorn

The best way to manage time when you’re unemployed is to set up a solid structure for yourself. For example: I have committed to waking up every day at 10am instead of 8am because I slept through my 3 alarms, trolling social media until 11:45, then putting on some stretch pants and starting yet another day without any idea how I will pay next month’s rent.

Self care is an important part of my daily structure, so when I realize that it’s 4:45 in the afternoon and I have only eaten a knockoff snickers bar and a pot of coffee, I like to make myself some popcorn and eat it alone on my couch while watching old episodes of The Barefoot Contessa. After all, Ina got to where she is today by committing to her goals, so I too will build my empire in East Hampton via the White House by a) committing to structure and b) eating this popcorn that, when pressed, I would describe as “tasting vaguely like pizza but mostly like sadness.”

Ingredients for Unemployment Popcorn

Popcorn kernels
Canola oil
Olive oil
Salt
Pepper
Dried oregano
Dried basil
Garlic powder
*Heavy bottomed pot with lid, preferably a knockoff dutch oven that has been dropped on the floor so many times it has lost 90% of its paint.

Instructions

1. Add approx 2 TB canola oil to the pot and 2 kernels of popcorn.
2. Turn the light on under the pot and place the lid so it is halfway covering the pot–popcorn needs air to pop like I need to leave the house at least once a day so my mother doesn’t get worried about me.
3. Watch Ina make $50 worth of salmon for her charming best friends in their polo shirts. Jesus, my life is bullshit.
4. Run into the kitchen at least 4 times thinking you didn’t hear the kernels pop over Ina sniffling gently and telling you it smells terrific.
5. When both kernels have popped, turn off the heat and add as many kernels as you want to eat–I’d say about 1/2 a cup but who are we kidding I definitely do more like 3/4 on the reg.
6. With the lid firmly in place, pick up the pot using potholders or a kitchen cloth if you can’t remember which drawer the potholders are in and swirl the popcorn in clockwise and counterclockwise circles while you sing the ABC song so the oil can get distributed evenly.
7. Oh, this is what makes you look stupid? When was the last time you changed out of your comfy pants?
8. Put swirled popcorn back on stove and turn light on to a medium heat. Crack the lid so air can come in and out.
9. How easy is that?
10. Don’t burn the popcorn. Give it the occasional gentle stir. Make peace with the fact that you will have popcorn behind your stove until you frantic clean on Tuesday.
11. When popcorn is done pour into a large bowl and drizzle with olive oil. Sprinkle with a large pinch of salt and pepper, then add a few shakes of the basil and oregano, and a little bit of the dried garlic. WHY does the garlic come out so fast but no one has replied to a single job I’ve applied to on Facebook?
12. Mix with your hands so you can start shoveling before you even get back to the couch and eat the whole goddamn bowl.
13. Goddamn it.