Please Choose Me Cake

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Dear Big Theater Institution,

We at Cooking Rage are big fans of you because you have lots of money. The funny thing about money is that there doesn’t seem to be any of it for anyone who doesn’t have access to you, so we were hoping you would perhaps think about giving us some of your money in the form of a professional (unpaid) opportunity, as we have been told that this is the only way to move towards (extremely low) paying jobs in 10-15 years in the industry that you have created and are doing nothing to reform. We also love how easy it is to apply to your program, as we definitely have 10-15 hours of time to devote to perfecting this application for the unpaid opportunity you are so generously offering to us.

Some things about us: we are good at writing because we love words and believe in the sanctity of the stage and also we are extremely good looking and not particularly well-connected in your industry so will send nudes. We like cats, chocolate, salty crunchy things, deleting Facebook, and Aristophanes (only later works), and are pretty friendly about things like disagreeing about climate change. We rarely use elbows when we walk on the streets of New York City, and do not have any capacity to work in any other industry, as we went to liberal arts college and are now in an expensive graduate school program that is not a cooking school, but has elements of feeling like it is on fire because it costs $65,000 a year.

We would bring to your program a profound confusion about why it costs so much to receive training to work in an industry that doesn’t like to pay people, what has been called “a sense of irony,” and cake, because who doesn’t love cake? Here’s a recipe for it:

1 box desperation cake mix
1 egg, beaten down
Oil, for the lubing

Mix and bake at 350 until 2026, when we will be 40 years old and still referred to as “emerging.”

Hope that tells you all you need to know about us, and please also let us know if you offer feedback on our application once it’s been submitted and un-responded to for six to twelve months, as it’s profoundly helpful to know that we were one of 15,000 applicants.

Hugs and kisses,
Cooking Rage


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