Life is funny. One minute you’re planning your 6-year anniversary getaway to Nantucket, and the next minute you’re standing in the kitchen with Tim as he tells you about his 2-year affair with Brenda from the office who once came for dinner and gave you a scented candle. Who fucking does that?
But I’m fine. Don’t I always say that when life gives me lemons, I make lemonade? And when life gives me unexpected divorce proceedings, I make salad niçoise.
Ingredients for Unexpected Divorce Proceedings Salad Niçoise
Serves 1. Obviously.
2-3 c salad
1/2 can tuna, drained
1 small potato, diced and steamed
Green beans if you have them
Juice of 1/2 lemon
Olives if you like them
Vinegar, either red wine or balsamic (for the salad)
- Put a large pan of water on the stove to boil.
- Make salad. I like to use lettuce, cucumbers, radishes, tomatoes and basil. Tim doesn’t like tomatoes so fuck him.
- When water is boiling, blanch the string beans. That means you put the string beans in the water for 2-3 minutes so they become bright green and tender like your youth that you wasted in this miserable relationship in this stupid town with horrible awful Tim.
- Take green beans out of boiling water with tongs and place in colander. Run cold water over them.
- God I miss him.
- No I don’t. Add potatoes to the water and cook until tender, 5-7 minutes.
- Google “Divorce Proceedings” and read what the Huffington Post has to say.
- Put blanched green beans on a plate and squeeze juice of 1/2 lemon over them. Sprinkle on some dill. Add a drizzle of olive oil and some salt and toss.
- What the fuck is a settlement?
- When the potatoes are tender, drain and let cool a few minutes.
- To eat, dress the salad with some olive oil and vinegar, then add potatoes, tuna, green beans, and olives if you are using them. Add salt and pepper to taste. I used the fancy salt Tim brought back from that business trip to Tucson that I now that I think about it Brenda probably fucking picked out because Tim doesn’t give a fuck about cooking. Who is even named Brenda? How is that a real person’s name?
- Eat salad with bottle of pinot grigio or vodka.
- **Optional** Crush up a valium and sprinkle it on top.