Unexpected Divorce Proceedings Salad Niçoise

Life is funny. One minute you’re planning your 6-year anniversary getaway to Nantucket, and the next minute you’re standing in the kitchen with Tim as he tells you about his 2-year affair with Brenda from the office who once came for dinner and gave you a scented candle. Who fucking does that?

But I’m fine. Don’t I always say that when life gives me lemons, I make lemonade? And when life gives me unexpected divorce proceedings, I make salad niçoise.

Ingredients for Unexpected Divorce Proceedings Salad Niçoise
Serves 1. Obviously.

2-3 c salad
1/2 can tuna, drained
1 small potato, diced and steamed
Green beans if you have them
Juice of 1/2 lemon
Olives if you like them
Olive oil
Vinegar, either red wine or balsamic (for the salad)


  1. Put a large pan of water on the stove to boil.
  2. Make salad. I like to use lettuce, cucumbers, radishes, tomatoes and basil. Tim doesn’t like tomatoes so fuck him.
  3. When water is boiling, blanch the string beans. That means you put the string beans in the water for 2-3 minutes so they become bright green and tender like your youth that you wasted in this miserable relationship in this stupid town with horrible awful Tim.
  4. Take green beans out of boiling water with tongs and place in colander. Run cold water over them.
  5. God I miss him.
  6. No I don’t. Add potatoes to the water and cook until tender, 5-7 minutes.
  7. Google “Divorce Proceedings” and read what the Huffington Post has to say.
  8. Put blanched green beans on a plate and squeeze juice of 1/2 lemon over them. Sprinkle on some dill. Add a drizzle of olive oil and some salt and toss.
  9. What the fuck is a settlement?
  10. When the potatoes are tender, drain and let cool a few minutes.
  11. To eat, dress the salad with some  olive oil and vinegar, then add potatoes, tuna, green beans, and olives if you are using them. Add salt and pepper to taste. I used the fancy salt Tim brought back from that business trip to Tucson that I now that I think about it Brenda probably fucking picked out because Tim doesn’t give a fuck about cooking. Who is even named Brenda? How is that a real person’s name?
  12. Eat salad with bottle of pinot grigio or vodka.
  13. **Optional** Crush up a valium and sprinkle it on top.
Fuck you, Tim.

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