Garbage People Pesto

I went to a party the other night that was in a big loft with a beautiful view of an extremely polluted river. The other guests wore very expensive clothes and very beautiful shoes, and are all garbage people who are ruining America. I was handed a glass of sparkling alcohol that I drank too quickly and so was sweating a lot and kept trying to fan myself with my hair like I’ve seen the beautiful garbage women do, only when I do it I look like a horse swatting a fly and so the garbage person next to me kept asking if I was “looking at something?”

And because I was sweating and because my shoes were $17 and because I’m not super great at standing quietly at parties, I invited myself into a conversation with the incredibly attractive garbage people who were standing near-ish to me and discussing their favorite regions in Italy this time of year. I giggled at their jokes in Italian, I think, sighed delightedly when the conversation turned to wine, and when asked what my favorite region of Italy is this time of year I panicked and said “Portugal,” then remarked at length about the glorious pestos of the region before excusing myself to go splash more alcohol on my face.

I suppose if I, too, had a lot of money and no responsibilities to anyone other than myself I would summer in Umbria with these very thin garbage people. But until then, I have to satisfy my longing for the continent with pasta from a box and dreams of a future time share with the garbage people of the riverfront.

Ingredients for Garbage People Pesto
serves the masses

1 box orecchiette or bow tie pasta
1 big-ass bunch basil leaves, destemmed as best you can
1 TB parmesan or other hard cheese grated or whatever
Handful nuts of any kind
1 tsp salt
1 tsp pepper
1/4-1/3 c olive oil
*Blender or food processor or mortar and pestle or hammer made of the rage of the proletariat.


  1. Make the pasta.
  2. Throw all the other shit in the blender or whatever.
  4. Add more olive oil if the fucking leaves AREN’T BECOMING SAUCE-LIKE. FUCK  YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.
  5. Taste for salt and pepper.
  6. When pasta is done, drain and then put it back in the pot. Throw in a bunch of pesto and mix.
  7. Share pasta with whomever comes to the table, freely and with joy. And then get the fuck up from the table and go out into the world and REDISTRIBUTE it to ALL.
  8. Also if you wanted to maybe invite me to go to Tuscany with you the next time you’re going I would be honored. Could you cover my airfare? And my lodging?
Serve with calorie free vegetables and cheese from a can like the disgusting American you are.



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