I’m Sorry I Called Your Sister a Cunt Vegetable Soup

Ok I get it; I shouldn’t call your sister a cunt even when she is being a massive asshole. Next time I will not call your sister a cunt and will instead cook a vat of this soup like the lady in Como Agua Para Chocolate, only after eating the soup that I cook everyone will feel incredibly angry about your sister literally not even saying thank you after I gave her a birthday present instead of, like, sensuality or whatever.

I googled “generic pictures of soup” instead of making this soup and found an article titled Pregnant Woman Finds Dead Rat in Canned Soup. I don’t know why you think I’m not trying.

Ingredients for I’m Sorry I Called Your Sister a Cunt Vegetable Soup
Serves whatever it’s not like she’s going to even eat it with all her “dietary restrictions.”

2 small potatoes, diced
1 small onion, diced
1 carrot, diced
2 stalks celery, diced
1 bell pepper, diced
Kale, shredded, or a bunch of spinach
1 28-oz can of tomatoes, crushed or crushed with your angry hands
1 15-oz can white beans
4-6 cups water or broth (veg or chicken)
Olive oil
Dried oregano
Dried thyme
Dried basil
Bay leaves



  1. Heat about 1 TB olive oil in a large, heavy-bottomed pot. When hot, add potatoes and let cook for a few minutes, stirring occasionally, until they start to brown.
  2. Add onion and cook for 1-2 minutes more. GOD, WHY IS SHE THE WORST?
  3. Add carrot and celery and spices. If you are using broth, add approx 1 tsp each of the oregano, thyme, and basil. If you’re using water you might want to add a bit more. Stir for a few minutes.
  4. Maybe if I had called her a stupid-head you would have just laughed instead of moving out? Also I think you took my charger.
  5. Add tomatoes, water or broth, and about 1/2 c wine (if using).
  6. I didn’t even have to get her a gift. It was just like a nice thing to do. Why do I even bother trying to be nice? Drain and add beans and a bay leaf or two.
  7. Bring to a boil with the lid on, then lower to a simmer.
  8. Let cook for about 20 minutes so the flavors can meld.
  9. Add salt and pepper to taste. She has literally no taste, that’s the problem. She just doesn’t even care.
  10. Let the soup cook uncovered so the flavors can cook down. When it’s done to your liking, turn off the heat and add the peppers and kale/spinach. Stir.
  11. Serve with cheese. And bread. And then be like “Oh, you’re gluten and dairy-free? Bummmmmeeerrrr.”

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