Ok I get it; I shouldn’t call your sister a cunt even when she is being a massive asshole. Next time I will not call your sister a cunt and will instead cook a vat of this soup like the lady in Como Agua Para Chocolate, only after eating the soup that I cook everyone will feel incredibly angry about your sister literally not even saying thank you after I gave her a birthday present instead of, like, sensuality or whatever.
Ingredients for I’m Sorry I Called Your Sister a Cunt Vegetable Soup
Serves whatever it’s not like she’s going to even eat it with all her “dietary restrictions.”
2 small potatoes, diced
1 small onion, diced
1 carrot, diced
2 stalks celery, diced
1 bell pepper, diced
Kale, shredded, or a bunch of spinach
1 28-oz can of tomatoes, crushed or crushed with your angry hands
1 15-oz can white beans
4-6 cups water or broth (veg or chicken)
*WINE IS NOT OPTIONAL WHEN YOUR SISTER IS COMING OVER BUT WHATEVER.
- Heat about 1 TB olive oil in a large, heavy-bottomed pot. When hot, add potatoes and let cook for a few minutes, stirring occasionally, until they start to brown.
- Add onion and cook for 1-2 minutes more. GOD, WHY IS SHE THE WORST?
- Add carrot and celery and spices. If you are using broth, add approx 1 tsp each of the oregano, thyme, and basil. If you’re using water you might want to add a bit more. Stir for a few minutes.
- Maybe if I had called her a stupid-head you would have just laughed instead of moving out? Also I think you took my charger.
- Add tomatoes, water or broth, and about 1/2 c wine (if using).
- I didn’t even have to get her a gift. It was just like a nice thing to do. Why do I even bother trying to be nice? Drain and add beans and a bay leaf or two.
- Bring to a boil with the lid on, then lower to a simmer.
- Let cook for about 20 minutes so the flavors can meld.
- Add salt and pepper to taste. She has literally no taste, that’s the problem. She just doesn’t even care.
- Let the soup cook uncovered so the flavors can cook down. When it’s done to your liking, turn off the heat and add the peppers and kale/spinach. Stir.
- Serve with cheese. And bread. And then be like “Oh, you’re gluten and dairy-free? Bummmmmeeerrrr.”